My dental hygienist, grocer, and local waitstaff will all tell you how awesome my job is because I have all this time off. Just like they clean teeth, pack bags, and serve tables for the pure joy of it when they are "off", I have spent most of today trying to figure out how to pack approximately 100 days of learning into what is left of the less than 90 days of instructional minutes this school year. Am I am overwhelmed. I am terrified my students aren't going to learn. And I have no idea what to do about it.
Earlier this week I was excited to get back into school mode: great causal professional development conversations, the upcoming Google Apps For Education 1:1 summit this week and an EdCamp this weekend all have inspired me to go out, be great, and change the world. But then I sat down and tried to pace my first unit of the semester and I was hit with an overwhelming flood of anxiety. The kids aren't going to get what they need, and I have no idea how to fix it.
What do these kids need? Exposure to mathematical ideas or an meaningful experience in mathematics? What I am told I need to do for students and what my students tell me I need to do for them conflict completely. I need to step back and rethink my options before I let this imbalance negatively influence my attitude this semester. I could be angry with my administration for all the changes they are throwing at us, even after promising they wouldn't let this happen. I could resign to just teaching what I'm told so I make sure the kids are exposed to all the materials they need to make the curriculum shift next year. I could get angry with my colleagues for not working together to develop a plan to combat this. I surely felt all of these things today when I took a blank pacing calendar and started filing in all the instructional minutes I lose to testing, PLC meetings, the new Response to Intervention Pilot, and professional development pull outs. Then taking into account the standards I didn't teach last semester because the kids needed more time to gain mastery. Then trying to make sure my pacing would allow me to collaborate with my PLC (required) for the Intervention schedule. Then keeping in mind that many of my students need additional time to gain understanding and I promised them we wouldn't move on until everyone who is trying gets it, so we will likely get behind again. And then I have to teach the extra standards that were left out before we switched to Common Core, big units like Statistics, Probability, and Conic Sections that the kids wont get when we switch to integrated next year unless I find time to teach them.
You see, I don't want to be the angry teacher that is always bad mouthing the system, but it's hard not to let that impulse take control when you feel like the world is conspiring against your students' learning. I'm trying so hard to incorporate mastery learning, literacy in mathematics, problem based learning, collaboration, and technology, but my instructional minutes just keep disappearing. All of this obsessing and freaking out done in isolation because we are not given adequate planning days to prep for the upcoming year. I want to scream for help at the top of my lungs, but I am terrified that it will be heard as weakness, whining or just ignored all together. I don't want to feel like this. I just want to be a good teacher. Anger and resignation have gotten me nowhere so far, so I want to try a different approach. Maybe things can be better if I can approach this challenges from a different angle.
I need help finding that new angle. I don't know where to go from here. I had planned a solid triangle congruence unit that incorporated exploration, writing, collaboration, and multiple approaches to a problem. I wanted to the kids to try to write proofs of the same concept using different perspectives so they could capitalize on their strengths to fortify their weaknesses. But when I integrated it all into the big picture, I realized that I would barely have time to teach Area and Volume (traditionally the last unit) before the year is over, and would completely miss all the backfill standards I am am being asked to teach as part of the common core transition. When I scaled the unit back, I realized it didn't make much of a difference, there still isn't time in the year to teach what I am expected to teach. Not even close.
What happens to my students if I teach for mastery and we don't cover the materials? How will impact their success next year? In college? Will they feel betrayed because other teachers will expect them to have knowledge I was trusted with imparting? Will they feel cheated when they realize the math class they actually started to understand didn't even cover what they were supposed to learn? Will it damage their ability to see themselves successful in mathematics?
I worry obsessively about failing my students. I think most teachers do. We resist change not because we are lazy or believe we have it all figured out. Mostly, I think teachers push back because we are not convinced that the risk to our students is worth it. We are protecting our students, not ourselves, because no one has shown us enough evidence to believe in an idea's success. I can't remember the last time I was asked to try something new in my classroom, and that proposal was accompanied by measurable evidence of success and training to ensure success could be replicated in my own classroom. I have tenure. I don't need to protect myself. But my students, they need advocacy, because no one else is looking out for their mathematical education.
Certainly, my situation is not unique. How are other teachers responding to the pressures of change? How do I gain a different perspective? How do I calm my anxiety and confidently go forth and teach those kids? It's days like this I wish I had a mentor I could call up, vent, and find a solution with. It's days like this I curse the isolation that can come with the profession.
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